Friday, January 3, 2014

2013: The Year That Was......It's A Good Thing I Have a Sense of Humor

Once upon a time, I had another blog in another location on the web and I used to answer this list of questions every New Year.  I took it quite seriously.  Yesterday, I thought it would be fun to maybe answer those questions again.  Looking back at my answers over the years all I could think was only a single and childless person could have come up with this list of bullshit.  I mean, seriously, “did you have any one-night stands?”  Really?  REALLY???  Who has time to have a one night stand?  But, because it amused me so much, I decided to go ahead and answer them again.  Just for you. 

1. What did you do in 2013 that you'd never done before?

I taught a human being how to use the toilet.  That’s right.  You heard me.  I got a real (albeit small) human to stop soiling herself and actually use the bathroom for its intended purpose.  And she flushes.  Boom!  Top THAT!

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for 2014?

I don’t even remember my New Years’ Resolution from last year.  I used to have this incredible memory.  Like, I could remember, word-for-word, a conversation I had with my college roommate while we were in college.  And then I got pregnant and now I can’t even remember what I had for breakfast this morning.  Or where I put that invitation to that birthday party that I know is coming up but I can’t remember exactly when or where or, for that matter, which kid it’s for.  (Crap, I’m going to need to get a present for that.)  Everyone told me I’d get my memory back sometime after I had the baby.  Well, my daughter, Iris, is almost four years old now.  It may be hopeless.  So, if I even made a New Years’ Resolution last year, I think it’s pretty clear I didn’t keep it.  Maybe my resolution for this year should be that, next year at this time, I remember what my resolution was. 

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

I’m a full-time mom.  Most of my friends are full-time moms.  Did anyone close to me give birth?  OF COURSE THEY DID, YOU NIT!  It’s raining babies.  What a dumb question.

4. What countries did you visit?

Hmmmm….do my mom’s house and my mother-in-law’s house count as countries?  Then none.  I visited none countries.  Please!  I don’t have the money or the patience to take a nearly-four-year-old to a whole foreign country.  It wears me out to take Iris to the grocery store.

5. What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013?

Oh, I don’t know….maybe a decent babysitter that doesn’t graduate from college and selfishly get a real job for way more money than I can pay somewhere far, far away so I can’t even get the occasional help on weekends?

6. What dates from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

Two days ago, Iris actually used the word “please” when asking me to do something for her without me prompting her.  That was pretty good. 

7. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Did you not see the answer about teaching a human being to use a toilet?

8. What was your biggest failure?

Bathtime.  Every.  Single.  Bathtime.  I don’t want to talk about it. 

9. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Don’t talk to me about illness.  We have a preschooler.  We are the plague house.   

10. What was the best thing you bought?

You mean for myself?  Something I bought just for me?  AAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  I might wet my pants.  Parents don’t buy things.  And if we do, those things somehow become the child’s things.  My laptop computer?  Is now the device by which Iris can view pictures of herself.  Our cell phones are devices to be used to record Iris’s antics.  You see how this works?

But really, best for whom?  And by what standard?  I mean, “best” is a relative term.  If we’re talking about how much something gets used, then Iris really loves
this Fisher Price record player and plays with it all the time.  All.  The.  Time.  Over and over.  And over. 

If we’re talking about how happy Iris seems with it, then
 it has to be this camera that Iris uses to take really, really, really unflattering pictures of me.

And these little plastic ponies 
are what I bought and used to reward Iris every time she pooped on the potty.  After a few months, even Iris was referring to them as “my pooping ponies.”  That seems like a pretty genius buy.
But, if we’re talking about the thing I think was best and that made me happiest (and, fair warning, I’m being all sentimental and shit with this one), then I’d say that the best thing I bought were tickets to Frozen,
a movie through which Iris sat still and rapt for more than 90 minutes and then told me, “I true love you, Mommy.” 

11. Where did most of your money go?

I.  Have.  A.  Child.  Are you not paying attention?

12. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

I can’t believe I’m about to say this…..  When Iris started pooping in the potty.  That’s it.  That’s what my life has been reduced to. 

13. Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder?  Thinner or fatter?  Richer or poorer?

Last year at this time, Iris kept using her invisible, imaginary, magic wand to turn me into a frog.  My husband, Quinten, had to keep giving me true love's kisses to turn me back into me.  Iris was quite annoyed, as I recall.  This year, at least so far, I haven’t been turned into any amphibians.  I’m calling that a win.Top of Form

So, yes.  And no.  And maybe.  Or not.  Whatever.  Also, who keeps track of this stuff?

14. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Sleep.  I would sell my soul for a nap.

15. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Living without a staff. 

In all seriousness, this is where my Mommy guilt amps up.  I wish I didn’t have to prepare to teach classes or grade papers or do laundry or make beds or fix dinners or grocery shop or run errands or do any of the other things I need to do to make life work.  I wish I could spend more time just playing with my little girl while she is still a little girl. 

I comfort myself by saying that Iris is learning patience and how to entertain herself, two very important skills.

It doesn’t work.

16. How many one-night stands did you have?

Define “one-night stand.”  Do you mean a night I spent standing because I was taking care of a sick child?  Then four.

17. What was your favorite TV program?

Most of the PBS lineup for kids doesn’t make me want to vomit.  Except for Curious George because I just cannot figure out why, after all the trouble he is always getting into, anyone trusts that monkey with anything ever. 

Oh.  You mean shows I watch for me?  Like shows made for adults?  Huh.  People do that?

18. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

More playdates for Iris.  And for me. 

19. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2013?

“Is it clean?  Okay, then.”

20. What kept you sane?

Wait.  I’m sane?

21. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013:

If I’ve learned nothing else from having a child it’s this: You only really need to shower if you have poop on you.  Or vomit.  Or if you smell. 


  1. Ha, ha...this made me laugh. It's amazing what we celebrate in our lives now: The ability to poop and good manners. That's all we really need in life, right?

  2. "Did you not see the answer about teaching a human being to use a toilet?"


    I miss hearing from you, I really wish you would add my Facebook, I have all kinds of great stuff there. And I am guessing you update that more often. Most people are.