Friday, March 8, 2013

Tweets of the Damned

When it comes to new technologies and technology trends, my husband and I aren’t early adopters.  We’re more like what-is-that-I-think-I-heard-about-that-six-months-ago-let’s-wait-another-year-before-we-try-it adopters.  So, this is a long and roundabout way of telling you that he and I got ourselves some Twitter accounts not too long ago. 

No one is following us. 

I mean no one.

But, we do follow each other.  

So, for a while, we just tweeted semi-witty or hare-brained things and giggled to ourselves about it.  Then we discovered that we could tweet back and forth to each other.  Kind of a Twitter conversation.  And it was stupid.  And silly.  But fun.  It made us feel witty and clever.

And I figured no one but us would get it or think it was funny.  But, somehow, I think our Twitter dialogues tell you something about our relationship.  And they might make you laugh.  Also, well, maybe someone besides just us will think we are funny. 


1. Quinten and I are trying really hard not to eat too many sweets or between-meal snacks.  Sometimes, I am not very helpful in this regard:

Quinten: That’s 5 cupcakes and 3 tins of cookies at work left over from a Friday birthday.  I could eat it all.  I WILL NOT EAT ANY!
Me: Ummmm….I have a message from a Mister Cup Cake. He says he’s in the break room waiting for you? Is there something I should know?
Quinten: Don’t listen to that sumbitch. He’s a liar. He tells half-truths. He’s tricksy, that one. I haven’t eaten one of his kind since Friday.
Me: Iris has a message for you: “YOU ATE A CUT-CAKE WITHOUT ME?!?!?!??!?!?!!!!!???”
Q: Damn. You caught me.

 2.  Quinten got a cold last week.  He was kind of angry and whiny about it.  I was not particularly sympathetic:

Quinten: I cannot smell one god damn thing. Going to be a great day!
Me: Can you smell things that are not damned by God?
Me: Like, for example, I’m pretty sure God approves of popcorn, so could you smell that?
Me: And I have it on good authority that God actually likes my perfume, so could you smell that?
Me: But burnt plastic…I’m fairly certain that smell would offend God…so you can’t smell burnt plastic, right?
Me: Seems like a pretty good deal for you.
Me: Also, am I going to hell now?
Quinten: I’ll be there with you so at least you won’t be lonely.

 3.  I was punished for my lack of sympathy when I, too, was infected with the cold.  At first, my cold seemed to be more mild than Quinten’s so I could joke about it:

Quinten: The colds my wife and I share take on personalities and develop emotions. Our current cold, named “Rico,” hates us, and wants us to die.
Quinten: Our last cold, named “Barbara,” loved us, and wanted us to die. I sense a theme.
Me: Remember “Sal”? He was so disappointed in you. Because you wouldn’t die.
Me: And “Regina”? She was so happy. Until she realized we weren’t going to die. Then she was just mean.

4.  Then the cold, Rico, got so much worse and I was miserable.  Quinten gets whiny when he gets a cold.  I just get mean.  I blamed Quinten.  After all, he gave me the cold.

Me: Rico is killing me and I kind of hate you now.
Quinten: Blame Rico, he’s the one being a dick. He doesn’t care about us at all. He’s a horrible pathogen.
Me: Rico should be required to come here and potty train Iris as a punishment.
Quinten: Rico doesn’t have hands.
Me: (here is where I got instantly and absurdly irate that Rico did not have hands.  Which is insane because Rico is not real. Anyway, I was tired and sick and I just lashed out)  Fuck him! That’s not my problem! He’ll have to figure it out, dammit!
5.  Then I just started feeling sorry for myself.  And, for the record, this particular Twitter conversation took place while Quinten and I were on separate laptop computers in the same room.  Because we are ridiculous.

Me: When I am sick, I shouldn’t have to come up with a nutritious meal for everyone. I should get to eat chocolate pudding and go to bed.
Quinten: We’ve just eaten two cupcakes. Does that count?
Me: You have to chew cupcakes. You do not have to chew chocolate pudding. So, no, cupcakes don’t count.
Quinten: That’s fair. I think I’ve been lawyered.

And now you will either think we are cute, or that we are nuts.  Actually, we’re never quite sure which it is, ourselves.


  1. Replies
    1. Well, you're the one who said you barely ever use twitter. And you'he never given me any reason to believe you're actually reading. And, c''re my brother...