Thursday, February 7, 2013

Ten Ways I Know I am a Potty Training Mom

1.  The last time I cheered and clapped like a demented and uncoordinated cheerleader wasn’t the Superbowl. It was when Iris peed in the potty yesterday.  For the fifteenth time.

2.  I spend ten or twenty minutes every morning (and, perhaps several other times during the day if there’s an accident) debating the merits of princess panties versus fairy panties. With a toddler.

3.  Yesterday, I taunted Iris while eating a fun-sized candy bar.  “Mommy gets to eat a candy bar because Mommy pooped in the potty.  You can’t have a candy bar because you didn’t poop in the potty!”  I then shoved the entire candy bar in my mouth and chewed, pointedly, in Iris’s direction.  (But, in my defense, I did refrain from saying “neener neener neener.”)

4.  I just bought four bags of M&Ms at the grocery store because they were on sale and I had a coupon that made it a really great deal.  The cashier at the grocery store commented that I must really love M&Ms.  I responded that, no, actually, I don’t like M&Ms very much but I’m using them as rewards for potty training.  Without thinking, I followed this up with an entire discussion of how Iris really has the peeing part down pat, but she has yet to poop in the potty and I don’t know what to do about that and it’s so frustrating….and then I noticed the horrified look on the face of the cashier and stopped talking.

5.  I have spent time seated on the floor of a restaurant bathroom while changing the pee-soaked panties and leggings of a crying child.  More than once.

6.  I have vowed revenge on the person who invented the self-flushing-sensor installed on public toilets for making Iris terrified that the toilet will suck her down while she pees. 

7.  I have lost all sense of modesty.  I pee and poop in front of Iris regularly. In fact, I intentionally take her into the bathroom with me so she can watch.  Worse, I encourage her to watch.  So, when my friend brought her also-potty-training daughter to my house yesterday, we all ended up in the bathroom together peeing in front of each other.  I opined, out loud, that there are three classes of people that have no modesty: exhibitionists, pregnant women, and potty training moms.  My friend laughed as she pulled her pants back up and asked who wanted to pee next.

8.  All the magazines in my bathroom have been replaced with a bunch of Dora the Explorer and Princess storybooks.  Secretly, I think that being relegated to the bathroom is just what Dora deserves.

9.  Currently, my entire exercise program is running down the hall behind Iris chanting inane things like “We’re going to PEE on the POT-TY!  We’re going to PEE on the POT-TY!”

10.  Yesterday, early in the day, after a successful trip to the potty, I rewarded Iris with one yellow, one pink, and one red M&M (the proper combination, she assures me). She happily proceeded to choke me with a hug around the neck.  And then started complaining, loudly and whiningly, that her red M&M was missing. I spent a few minutes looking for said red M&M and didn’t find it anywhere.  So, in the interest of stopping the whining and saving my sanity, I gave her a new one and didn’t think any more about it.  Until later that night. When my husband, Quinten, and I were going to bed and getting ready to engage in some much-needed and long-long-long-awaited hanky panky.  While Quinten began to, seductively, remove my bra….out tumbled a red M&M, rolling down my leg and onto the floor and coming to rest next to my foot.  It left a perfectly red and perfectly round spot on my boob.  That sort of thing can just kill a mood.
 

So, anyone want to come over and finish the whole potty training thing for me?
 
Please?

 

 

4 comments:

  1. This is the funniest yet. Keep it up.

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  2. My sons are 19 and 21. This is bringing back lots of memories. And lord am I glad they are only memories.

    Linell

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  3. Betsy, your MIL just highly recommended your blog to me - I love it! Another trait of potty training moms is knowing which of your friends might be home during the day in case you need a bathroom - RIGHT NOW! Please tell Quinten that this happened with Mark! Good luck!

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  4. Every time I read about the trials and tribulations of potty-training moms, I say prayers of gratitude for my daughters, who were both one-day trainers.

    They are now 27 and 21, and yet I still feel that great joy and relief.

    MissG

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