Wait, that sounds wrong. Let me try again...
Yesterday, I blamed my vagina for things that, it turns out today, weren’t my vagina’s fault.
Let’s start with the fact that I have my period. (Yeah yeah, I know, TMI. Suck it up and deal, people. We’re all adults. Women get periods. Cope.) So, I was already mad at my vagina for that. I know it’s perfectly normal and means my body is functioning in the way it’s supposed to and all that, but it’s still annoying. So the conversations between me and my vagina were already less-than-friendly.
Me: Really? My period? NOW?My Vagina: What?
Me: You do know I’m trying to potty train the child, don’t you?
My Vagina: You do know that your uterus and ovaries are pretty much in charge of the whole when-you-get-your-period thing, don’t you?
Me: Well, THEY aren’t listening to me.
My Vagina: And now I’m not listening to you, either. Bitch.
My vagina can be pretty nasty sometimes.
So, is it any wonder that I blamed my vagina when, yesterday, I started getting the symptoms of what I thought was a yeast infection?
Me: Seriously??!?!?!???!???!?????My Vagina: What?
Me: You have GOT to be KIDDING ME!!!! You’re just mad at me because I blamed you for my period and now you’re getting all passive-aggressive on me? This is a really crappy way to deal with your anger, you know. I DO NOT NEED THIS RIGHT NOW!!!!!
My Vagina: This is not about me.
Me: Whatever. I hate you.
My Vagina: Fine.
After which, I ended up going to urgent care to see the doctor who said that any physical tests would be mucked up by the fact that I had my period. I glared at my vagina. Who was still not speaking to me. And then he just gave me a prescription for Diflucan to treat the yeast infection and told me to take it right away and I should feel better the next day.
Cut to this morning, when, instead of feeling better, I actually felt worse.
Me: &#*$^@&#*@My Vagina: (refusing to speak to me)
Me: Why do you hate me so much?
My Vagina: I keep telling you this is NOT MY FAULT!
Me: Then whose fault is it????
My Vagina: (turning her back and refusing to even look at me)
Me: Whatever. Bitch.
Cut to me going to my regular doctor who tested my pee and told me I don’t have a yeast infection, I have a UTI.
Which is not my vagina’s fault at all.
So, this afternoon, after starting an antibiotic and while drinking the first of what will probably be seventeen glasses of cranberry juice, I had to apologize. To my vagina.
I’m still waiting to see if she accepts my apology.