Saturday, January 26, 2013

I Fail at Potty Training and The Birds and the Bees. In The Same Day.

Warning: This post talks about potty training a toddler.  That means it’s a little gross and involves TMI.  If you’re squeamish, look away.  If you’re a parent, you’re probably fine.  If you’re not a parent, continue reading at your own peril and don’t say I didn’t warn you.

My daughter, Iris, is almost three.  Which means we’re working on potty training pretty intensively these days.  Honestly, this task is frustrating and kind of gross.  But, it’s going relatively well.  Iris has gotten the concept of peeing in the potty.  We’ve had several accident-free days.  In a row.  But only when it comes to peeing.

Pooping?  Is another story.

Iris is my little once-a-day pooper.  Has been since birth.  Which means we don’t get a lot of chances to practice pooping on the potty.  Add to that the fact that she is stubborn and, apparently, doesn’t want to poop on the potty and we have a child that is less-than-potty-trained, a mommy who has had to dump poop from panties into the toilet (which involves more poop-falling-on-the-floor-which-I-then-have-to-pick-up-off-the-floor-to-put-in-the-toilet than I care to think about) and constipation.

We’re having fun around here. 

Anyway  as part of the potty training, I'm trying to model the correct behavior for Iris. Which means she frequently accompanies me into the bathroom to watch me on the toilet.  Which is weird, but effective.  It is especially weird when she checks the contents of the toilet before I flush.  She will look in the toilet and say, "you peed!" or "you pooped!" all excited.  I'm not even going to get into how odd this feels. 

(Although it does not feel any weirder than sitting around with other mothers who are also potty training and realizing that, for the last two hours, you’ve all pretty much just been talking about poop.)

But, this whole process has acquired a new level of strangeness because I got my period yesterday.  Yay?

So, without thinking about it, after I got my period, I was still letting Iris accompany me to the bathroom. The scene goes like this: I pee.  I wipe.  I show her how I pee and wipe. I get up to pull up my pants and Iris checks the contents of the toilet.....

"IT'S RED!!!!!!!!!!" she screeches.  "Mommy, it's RED!!!!!!!"

Crap.


Oooooh crap.

I have to quick kneel down (pants still unzipped) and tell her that, yes, I know it's red, but it's okay because Mommy has her period, which is perfectly normal.

She asks what a period is.

OH MY GOD I DO NOT WANT TO EXPLAIN THIS TO AN ALMOST-THREE-YEAR-OLD!!!  I AM NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE TO HAVE THIS TALK WITH HER UNTIL SHE IS IN THE DOUBLE DIGITS!!!!!!

But I have to tell her something.

So, I tell her it's something that happens to mommies sometimes that is perfectly okay. 

She asks if it's going to happen to her. I tell her that, yes, it will, but not for a very long, long time.  Thankfully, this seems to satisfy her.

Until the next time she has to pee. 

When she sits on the toilet, pees, then looks at me, worried: "Is it going to be red?  I don't want it to be red."  She starts to cry.  “I don’t want it to be RE-E-E-E-D-D-D!!”

So, I take her off the toilet to show her that it's not red. 
She is much relieved. 

I am not much relieved.  Because, for the rest of the day, every time she pees, she asks me if it's going to be red.

Having kids is a strange experience.

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